i lay here in the dark, trapped inside myself. the cheeks are wet from built up anger and hurt. i fight the urge, the need, the want. i hate my weakness. i hate myself. i've tried to stop, many times. i've set the trap and lit the match but my weakness walks right through the flames. for my weakness is strong, and holds a tight grasp even when not holding me at all. i reach for air. i reach, but my weakness gives a little tug and the light is too bright, i free fall back. the worst part is, my weakness isn't real. i'm addicted to a fantasy. a cruel joke. it wasn't real.
i'm sitting here thinking about my life once i leave jas for good. how hard and different it is going to be. To start over, all alone. The pride i am going to have to swallow. The change in lifestyle. am i strong enough? Yes, yes i am. i did it before and i can do it again. it won't be easy and now i will have some additional challenges due to responsibilities i've taken on but i will do it. i just pray that i have the strength to be strong for my babies. It probably seems crazy to other people but they are my children and probably the only family i'll ever really know. i'm going to be the crazy dog lady hahahaha live for my dogs. we'll find happiness again. i know we will. It will be great!
I saw a friend briefly two nights ago. He was acting very odd and irratic. I asked him later that night/morning why was going on with him. He gave me some bs excuse. I told him if he ever needed someone to talk to i was here for him. He laughed it off an just said ok.
Last night i found out he tried to commit suicide. I really feel awful because i just keep thinking, why didn't i pay more attention to what he was say and doing? Why did i see this coming? His other
Friends and family have been suspecting hard core drug use. I'm the only one that has seen the actual evidence of this.
I can't imagine someone thinking that they have no way out but to end their own life. I've been having a difficult time lately but i don't think i could ever take my own life. I'd be too concerned with the friends and family i left behind. Is ending my pain so important to me that i could cause so much for other people? Assuming of course that i would be missed and I'm sure there are at least a handful that would miss me.
So from that point of view i can't even begin to understand how much someone would have to hurt to use suicide as a relief. What was going threw his head as he swallowed the pills? Who was he thinking about as he chased the pills with a bottle of Clorox?
I really can't imagine pain like that and it makes my heart break for him that he has know such pain and anguish.
Try to be strong. Keep it together.
i've swallowed so many unshed tears it's a shock i'm not drowning.
Breath deep. Shake it off.
Stay focused on the task at hand.
One foot in front of the other.
Four days in shame and He has now taken mercy on me. i lay here spent after His firm punishment followed by His firm generosity ;). i have never felt better, nor more sure of who i am or where i want to be. i revel in His warmth and strength. i thrive in His lessons and at His pleasure.
He has restored me to my proper place, kneeling next to His high throne, patiently awaiting His will and pleasure. He has been exceedingly generous to a horribly selfish brat. i know i do not deserve Him or His forgiveness but life without Him; if He were to release me...it is simply unimaginable. i shutter to even attempt.
i want to prove to Him that i am worthy of His forgiveness. i want to prove that He has made an exceptional choice in me. i need to make Him proud of His submissive, proud to call me His.
i have been blessed with an extremely experienced Dominate. No other Man would have the patience and skill to train me. His strength and ability to put me in my place was quickly realized when we met and those attributes have drawn me into His web and i long to remain wrapped tightly in His silk.
Thank You Sir, for the lessons You have taught me. Thank You Sir, for believing in my potential and what i will some day be. Thank You Sir, for not giving up on me although i have shamefully disrespected You. i will prove to everyone that i am not as terrible as i seem Sir. You will be proud of me Sir.
Often, as adults we find ourselves surrounded by totally different people than when we were younger. People that we thought we would honestly know until the day we die are people we rarely think about any more. Whether it is pain and betrayal or distance and priorities, things inevitable happen that drive wedges into relationships. And i do mean all relationships, not just romantic ones. But, at some point someone made a conscious decision which inevitable had results, and those results eventually led to separation or severance of that relationship.
Also, new relationships are founded everyday. People meet and form connections, or don't. But again, a decision is made and these encounters often lead to other encounters. For instance, two people meet. They decide to meet again. During this second encounter, a third person is brought in as a mutual friend and introductions are made. Now the two new acquaintances find they enjoy each others company much more than they enjoy the company of the first. The two become very close and for one reason or another start to disinclude the third. i'm sure everybody has experienced this type of scenario regardless of which position sounds familiar.
The point is that although the first encounter/relationship didn't work out, if it wasn't for that encounter the second may not have ever occurred. So, was it coincidence or fate? i like to believe i hold my own life in my hands. That i can make decisions, that i have free will.... But, do i?
There are many people that i honestly can not help but to taste disgust in my mouth at the mere thought of them. But many of those people, are people i did and may still hold dear to my heart. Would i be a different person had our paths never crossed?
So many events occur that have colossal impact on individuals, communities, nations, the world, and not just humanly speaking of course, but often times for all living organisms involved. i guess good or bad, shit happens. The impacts of others cause people to make decisions, those decisions lead to encounters with other people. Both people and our interactions with them effect our lives. Sometimes changing our ideals or shaping someone's personality.
Good or bad, i try not to regret things i've done. Even if i did something so stupid that it makes me hang my head in shame to this day, that event...it impacted me. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. my actions have shaped who i am today. Right....?
Still, i can't help but to wonder, where i would be in the world had i been strong when i was weak; or stood my ground instead of caving or to have taken the advice that i did not.
Was i always destined to be who i am? To feel the way i feel, to think the way i think, to struggle the way i struggle....?
Do certain paths cross for a reason, is it all part of some master plan and if it is, may i please get a copy of the cheat sheet? Or do things happen because we make them happen? cause and affect style...A+B=C, or something like that...
Or what if there is a plan, or not really a plan, but a guideline or an outline that is constantly being tweaked and sharpened by free will. For instance, say everything is written in pencil and we come along with our decisions and encounters and lay it all down in ink, and not the erasable crap either, because as far as i know, we only get one shot. What's done is done and it can't be taken back, no reloading from your last save point. But, damn, that would be kinda sweet.
i want to be the Cat in the Hat.
i want to make up rhymes, have tons of fun, and make absolutely no sense.
i want to make a mess, and cause mayhem knowing there is a lesson for everyone to learn.
i want to have a magic machine that will cleanup my mess and make everything ok before mom gets home.
i really want to pretend that what i've said actually makes sense to someone and that your not laughing at me like i am laughing at myself right now.
OK so all you ever hear is how people are extraordinary at things, or special because of this or that. When was the last time you heard someone say, " Oh that guy, yeah he's cool, he's the most average guy i know." or "Yeah, that girl, she was the most basic sex ever." It just doesn't happen.
Only the exceptional are interesting and worth hearing about. So why keep the unexceptional at all?! Mediocrity is a disease and needs to be snuffed out. i say we herd them all up and cattle drive them to the nearest cliff, no matter how ordinary or extraordinary this cliff may be, and send them over the edge and well, if they happen to survive, well then i guess they are quite extraordinary after all.
Now i'm sure this sounds a bit crazy to a few of you out there but think about it, a world of extraordinary people, doing extraordinary things. And who would witness these extraordinary acts by these extraordinary people...? Who cares! Everyone is exceptional and too busy doing exceptional deeds to be concerned with what anyone else is doing.
All Hail The Mighty Exception!
Previous Postsrandom, posted May 26th, 2014
Thoughts of Change, posted October 2nd, 2013, 1 comment
Unimaginable, posted August 8th, 2013
To Get Through The Day, posted January 24th, 2013
Thankfully Yours, posted January 14th, 2013
Meant to be or random encounter...., posted January 11th, 2013, 1 comment
Laughing at the Cat, posted January 8th, 2013, 1 comment
Down with mediocrity, posted January 2nd, 2013
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